“It isn’t us versus them, it’s us collectively versus dementia.” — James Lee

Is your loved one in a memory care community, or are you considering moving them into one? Understanding how to build your collaborative relationship with the care team is crucial for ensuring the best outcomes for you, your care receiver, and the care team.

We are Sue Ryan and Nancy Treaster. As caregivers for our loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other types of dementia, we’ve learned creating a true partnership with the care community team can significantly improve the quality of care while reducing stress for everyone involved.

We recently spoke with James Lee, CEO and co-founder of Bella Groves, an award-winning memory care community. With over 17 years of experience in senior living and memory care, James has developed valuable insights on how to transform what is often an adversarial relationship between family caregivers and professional caregivers into a collaborative and supportive partnership.

We’re exploring six essential tips for building your productive relationship with your care community team.

Tip 1: Assess the Overall Fit

When looking for a memory care community, many families focus on practical aspects like location, price, and amenities. While these factors are important, James suggests that philosophical alignment and rapport with the management team are even more crucial for long-term success.

James explains:

You could have your loved one in a very small, modest, no-frills dementia care community. If you and that care team — including you and the management team — are in lockstep, your loved one is going to have a great outcome.

Conversely, even the most beautiful, award-winning community might not be right if you don’t connect with the executive director or align with their care philosophy.

When evaluating potential communities, James recommends shifting your mindset from “Us versus them.” to “Us collectively versus dementia.”

This perspective can transform the relationship from the beginning.

Tip 2: Embrace the Community Aspect

Moving your loved one from home to a memory care community represents a fundamental shift in their care environment — from one-on-one care to being part of a group.

James explains:

Any decision that you make in life is really making trade-offs. If you wanted one-on-one direct support and care for your loved one, you have the option of bringing someone into your home. The trade-off is it’s going to cost a lot of money for full-time care in your home, and your loved one is not going to have a lot of social engagement.

In a memory care community, your loved one gains socialization and activities, and you get support from multiple caregivers. The trade-off is that your loved one becomes one of many residents, each with different types of dementia and varying needs.

Understanding and accepting this community aspect from the beginning helps set realistic expectations that pave the way for a better partnership with the care team. An unexpected benefit is connecting with other families in similar situations. Many experienced family members volunteer to support newcomers through this transition, offering invaluable peer support that professionals can’t provide in the same way.

Sue Ryan explains:

“I frequently spoke with family members considering moving their care receiver into a community environment. I had answers to questions they didn’t know to ask and questions for them to help them identify where their points of resistance might be, so those could be fully addressed before making their final decision. I also spoke with family members new to the community to help them learn how they could adapt to the changed environment at the same time their care receiver was.”

Tip 3: Acknowledge Your Role Has Changed

When your loved one moves into a care community, your role shifts from being the primary caregiver for all the areas of your care receiver’s needs to being the primary caregiver in some areas, and a care partner working alongside professional caregivers for their other needs.

Sue Ryan explains:

When my care receivers were at home, I was their primary caregiver. When I moved them into the care community, in some areas I was still their primary caregiver. In other areas, I became the care partner to the care team in the community. I took on the responsibility of doing everything I possibly could to put the community caregivers in the best position to provide the best care for my care receiver.

This shift requires honesty, openness to share your fears and concerns, and willingness to work with — and learn from — the professional care team. For example, instead of coming from the place of judgment when things aren’t done exactly as you would do them, approach with curiosity. Ask questions like “Help me understand” or “Teach me” to gain insights from their perspective. Have conversations to learn and explore together as a team.

James Lee emphasizes the importance of kindness toward caregivers.

When a family care partner is really kind to our caregivers — not just polite — but actually cares about them, checks in with them, writes a thank you note — there is a very strong correlation with better outcomes.

This partnership approach creates the mutually supportive environment where caregivers feel comfortable communicating openly with you, rather than avoiding interactions for fear of criticism.

Tip 4: Recognize That the Diagnosis Will Progress

A critical aspect of the care partnership is understanding that your loved one’s condition will continue to change over time. In fact, by the time someone moves into a memory care community, they’re often in the steeper part of their dementia journey where changes may happen more rapidly.

James shares:

If you can, go back in time and look at your loved one in the first year of symptoms starting to show up. Ask yourself how it looked three years after that. I bet your care for your loved one in the beginning versus three years after that looks different. Five years after that looks even more different. Seven years after that looks very different.

When you notice changes in your loved one’s condition or care needs — perhaps they’re wearing the same clothes more often or experiencing more falls — resist the assumption that the quality of care has declined. Instead, consider that their dementia might be progressing.

This perspective allows both you and the care team to approach changes with understanding rather than blame, and to collaborate on adjusting care strategies as needed.

As Sue notes:

When we’re all advocates, and we see a change, we come together to ask questions in support of our care receiver and our work together as a team. ‘Teach me what’s going on.” “Help me understand.” “Is there anything I can be doing to support you?”

Tip 5: Acknowledge Your Grief

The dementia journey involves ongoing loss, a phenomenon Sue calls “drip grief.” As your loved one’s condition progresses, you experience new losses almost daily — abilities that disappear, memories that fade, personality changes that emerge.

Sue explains:

It’s realistic we will be grieving. Instead of looking at it from a blaming perspective that somebody’s not doing the right thing, and our loved one can’t do something correctly because of it, we recognize that we’re actually grieving. Honor our feeling of grief. Reach out to others to share and get support so you’re able to process your grief.

Nancy Treaster adds:

Grief can come out as anger and/or resentment. You definitely don’t want to be coming to the table as a care partner with the community care team — or your care receiver — from a place of anger and resentment.

James compares unaddressed grief to a physical injury:

If the three of us were on a team building a house and I broke my leg, and said: “I’m just not going to deal with it, but I’m here to help you.” No amount of good intention on my part is going to compensate for the fact that I have a broken leg. Grief is like a broken heart.

Finding healthy ways to acknowledge and process your grief — whether through support groups, counseling, or other means — is essential both for your wellbeing and for maintaining your productive partnership with your care receiver, the care team, and those around you.

Tip 6: Engage with the Community Caregiving Team

The families whose loved ones have the best quality of life tend to be those who actively engage with the community professional caregiving team. This engagement goes beyond basic communication to building genuine relationships with the people caring for your loved one.

Sue shares her approach:

I prioritized recognizing the community professional caregiving team. They’re a valuable member of our support team for our care receiver. I prioritized getting to know all of them. When I saw someone new, I went right up to them, learned their names, and began getting to know them. In the future, I greeted them by name. I asked them how I could help them. I asked them to feel free to ask me questions, share concerns, and know they were welcome to come to me. I would frequently go spend the night in the care community so I could get to know the overnight professional caregiving team as well.

Sue also created a detailed notebook about her loved one to help caregivers, gave a weekly thank-you card to the entire care team, and brought treats for the them. These gestures helped caregivers feel seen, respected, and appreciated.

James adds an important perspective:

If you were leading a team of employees, you would want to approach them with appreciation, coaching, and guidance. If people stop talking to their leader, that’s a very bad sign. If caregivers don’t feel confident telling you news — good or bad — that’s a really bad outcome for everybody.

Building a True Partnership

Creating a collaborative relationship with your loved one’s care community team isn’t just about being nice — it’s about achieving the best possible outcomes for your care receiver.

Creating an atmosphere of mutual respect improves communication and supports providing the best care. By reframing the relationship from “us versus them” to “us collectively versus dementia,” you can transform what could become an adversarial dynamic into a true partnership.

James explains:

You are your loved one’s expert, we are dementia experts. The two together give us the best chance to get this right.

The professional caregivers truly do care about your loved one. They may not have known your loved one in their prime, but they develop deep connections with them nonetheless. Acknowledging this shared commitment to your loved one’s wellbeing lays the foundation for a partnership that benefits everyone involved.

Have you developed strategies for working effectively with your loved one’s care community? Share your experiences in the comments below or on our Facebook or Instagram pages.