“Think about the twilight zone of handing your teenagers the car keys while at the same time trying to wrestle them away from your aging parents who should not drive. You’re sandwiched in the middle of that time of someone gaining independence and those losing independence and you’re navigating it all.” Christy Byrne Yates
Are you feeling overwhelmed trying to care for aging parents while raising children? Do you find yourself stretched thin between different generations, each with their own unique needs?
My name is Sue Ryan. As a caregiver for loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other types of dementia, I understand the unique challenges faced by those in the sandwich generations.
I recently spoke with Christy Byrne Yates, a licensed educational psychologist and author of “Building a Legacy of Love: Thriving in the Sandwich Generation.” Christy has personally navigated the challenges of caring for aging parents while raising her own children, and she brings both professional expertise and lived experience to help families thrive during this demanding season of life.
“The ‘sandwich generation’ originally referred to adults raising children under 18 while also caring for aging parents. With our fastest growing demographic being people 85 and older, more families are finding themselves caring for even more generations simultaneously — and are squeezed in the middle even more. This creates additional strain on already stretched caregivers.” Sue Ryan
This definition has now expanded to four ‘sandwiches’:
- Panini — Caregivers in their 20s and 30s,‘pressed’ caring for siblings, parents, early career responsibilities, raising children and/or planning families.
- Traditional — Caregivers ages 40–60, caring for their children and aging loved ones.
- Club — Caregivers for three or more generations — young children, adult children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents.
- Open faced — Non-professional caregivers who have gradually taken on responsibilities for friends or neighbors.
Let’s explore five essential tips using Christy’s CARES framework that can help you not just survive, but thrive during this challenging time.
Tip 1: C — Choose Your Role as a Caregiver
The first step in successfully navigating the sandwich generation is making a conscious choice to embrace your caregiving role. Many people say “I didn’t choose this.” or “I had no choice.” We always have a choice. Even not making a choice is still a choice.
Taking time for intentional decision-making makes all the difference in a caregiver’s journey. While this doesn’t require days of deliberation, it does require honest soul-searching and conscious commitment. When you actively choose to be a caregiver for specific people in your life, you can now begin setting up strategies, establishing boundaries, and determining what you’re willing and able to do.
This process involves important values work — identifying your North Star that you can return to when feeling overwhelmed. For Christy, this meant seeing herself as a mother first, ensuring her children felt seen, heard, and valued while still doing everything possible for her parents. This clarity helped guide her decisions when competing demands arose.
Many people don’t even identify themselves as caregivers, which leaves them without a sense of control in their situation. By consciously choosing and acknowledging your caregiver role, you gain the power to be intentional about how you approach your responsibilities.
If you have siblings, this choice phase must include conversations about roles and responsibilities. Everyone needs to be in agreement about who is doing what — and why.
Tip 2: A — Address the ‘Elephants’ in the Room
Successful sandwich generation caregiving requires having difficult conversations early and often. These are the ‘elephants’ dancing in every family room that everyone sees — but no one wants to discuss.
Essential conversations include discussing your parents’ financial status. Many families never talk about money. Understanding where your parents stand financially is crucial when for planning for their care. You need to know about their resources, insurance coverage, and any financial limitations that might impact care decisions.
Medical issues must also be addressed openly. This includes current health conditions, different doctors providing care, medications, and advance care planning. Having these conversations while your loved ones can still participate is invaluable.
Sibling relationships and dynamics need honest discussion. Who lives closest? Who has the most flexibility in their schedule? What are each person’s strengths and limitations? What are everyone’s expectations and concerns? What is their relationship with their parent?
These conversations aren’t one-time events — they need to happen regularly as circumstances change. The earlier you start having these discussions, the better prepared your family will be when crises arise.
Don’t wait for an emergency to force these conversations. Proactive communication prevents many of the conflicts and misunderstandings that can tear families apart during stressful caregiving situations.
Tip 3: R — Recharge Through Ruthless Self-Care
Recharging takes on critical importance when you’re caring for multiple generations. Self-care isn’t selfish — it’s essential for everyone you’re caring for.
Think about how you respond when something happens to your child. You’ll move heaven and earth to ensure they get what they need. You need to apply that same “tiger parent” energy to caring for yourself. When you run your battery all the way down, everyone suffers. Your children are left with a subpar parent, and the people you’re caring for receive help from someone who lacks energy and clarity.
We don’t make good decisions when we’re empty. Maintaining optimal energy capacity ensures you can show up fully for everyone who depends on you. Taking time away from your children or parents actually serves them — it’s not taking away from them.
Your children are watching and worrying about you just as much as they’re concerned about their grandparents. Even if they don’t voice it, they notice your stress and exhaustion. Taking care of yourself models healthy behavior and gives them permission to care for themselves as well.
Self-care in the sandwich generation requires creativity and flexibility. It might mean accepting help with carpools so you can have thirty minutes to yourself, asking family members to cover responsibilities so you can exercise, or simply taking a few minutes each day for activities that recharge you.
The mindset shift is crucial: “I do matter, I do count, and me taking time for myself serves everyone I care for.”
Tip 4: E — Enlist Your Support Team
You’re not meant to journey alone, and this is especially true for sandwich generation caregivers who face multiple competing demands. Building a comprehensive support team is essential for sustainable caregiving.
We used to live in villages where community support was the normal way of life. While society has moved away from this model, we need to relearn how to ask for help. Think about how you feel when someone asks you to help them — most likely, you feel good about being able to contribute. Give others the opportunity to experience that same feeling by asking for specific help. People want to help, but they need clear direction about how they can contribute most effectively.
For sandwich generation caregivers, you’re essentially building multiple teams. You need support for yourself, support for your care receiver, support for your children, possibly support for grandchildren and/or grandparents. This requires creating comprehensive lists of people who have capacity to help in different areas.
Consider all potential team members: immediate and extended family, friends, neighbors, parents from your children’s activities for carpooling, school staff who can support your children during stressful times, and community resources.
It’s helpful to inform your children’s schools about what’s happening at home. Teachers, counselors, and other staff want to support your student and can provide additional resources when they understand the family situation. What happens at home comes to school with kids, so transparency helps everyone provide better support.
If you’re a long-distance caregiver or your children don’t have close relationships with the grandparent receiving care, remember that your children are still worried about you and the situation affects them.
Tip 5: S — Surrender Control and Embrace Grace
Perhaps the most challenging aspect of sandwich generation caregiving is accepting that you cannot control everything, even though you desperately want to. If everyone could just do things your way, life would be so much easier — but that’s not reality.
Surrendering control gives you permission to extend grace to yourself. When you acknowledge upfront that you can’t control all variables, you stop beating yourself up when plans fall apart.
You might have carefully orchestrated support for your parent, arranged childcare, and planned your work schedule, only to have your child get sick and derail everything. Or you might receive an unexpected call that your parent is being discharged from rehab earlier than planned, right before your child’s graduation.
These situations require Plan B, Plan C, and sometimes just dropping back and punting because you don’t know what to do. Having grace for these moments is essential for your mental health and family relationships.
“When unexpected disruptions occur, return to your North Star from Tip 1. Use your values to guide decisions when you can’t do everything perfectly. Sometimes you have to choose between being fully present for your parent versus being fully present for your child’s once-in-a-lifetime milestone.” Christy Byrne Yates
Teach your entire family about setting realistic expectations together. Have conversations about how you’ll handle disruptions and disappointments. When family members understand that these challenges are normal and temporary, everyone can support each other more effectively.
Feeling like you’re continuously letting someone down is common in sandwich generation caregiving. Combat this by communicating clearly with all family members about priorities, limitations, and the temporary nature of this season.
Taking Action
The sandwich generation represents a temporary but intense season of life where you’re caring for yourself, aging parents and/or grandparents, and growing children and/or grandchildren. While challenging, this period can be navigated successfully with intentional strategies and strong support systems.
“With more than 60% of caregivers experiencing symptoms of burnout, access to support is critical. Research shows that caregivers who have support services — such as respite care, support groups, and educational interventions — experience reduced burnout and higher satisfaction in their caregiving roles.” Sue Ryan
This season is temporary. Your children will grow up, and your parents’ care needs will evolve. The strategies you put in place now will serve your family well throughout this journey and beyond.
Don’t try to be perfect for everyone all the time. Focus on being present, communicating clearly, and accepting help when it’s offered. Your family needs you healthy!
Using Christy’s CARES framework — Choose, Address, Recharge, Enlist, and Surrender — you can move from feeling overwhelmed and reactive to feeling empowered and proactive in your caregiving roles.
If you’re looking for additional resources, you can find Christy Byrne Yates at ChristyYates.com, where she offers coaching, works with employee resource groups, and provides support for assisted living communities.
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