“There were multiple times in my journey when I let the doctor’s office know ahead of time about an issue I didn’t feel comfortable raising myself in the appointment. In each case, the doctor found a way to bring it up, and it was handled so much more smoothly than it would have been otherwise.” Sue Ryan
Do you leave your loved one’s doctor’s appointments feeling intimidated or confused instead of empowered? Do you wish you had a clearer role in shaping their care? Many caregivers feel this way, and there is a better way to approach these visits.
We are Sue Ryan and Nancy Treaster. As caregivers for our loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other types of dementia, we know how much rides on every doctor’s visit and how easy it is to walk out feeling frustrated. We’re sharing insights about how to rethink your role at medical appointments from Dr. Paul Nussbaum, a clinical neuropsychologist licensed in Florida and Pennsylvania and founder of the Brain Health Center. Dr. Nussbaum has spent decades caring for people living with dementia and their families. He has also been a family caregiver himself, so he understands both sides of the table.
Let’s explore four tips for getting the most out of every appointment: checking your state of mind, getting prepared, communicating at the appointment, and following up afterward.
Tip 1: Check Your State of Mind Before You Walk In
Most of us were taught that the doctor is in charge and our job is to listen. Dr. Nussbaum encourages you to flip this. As he puts it:
You are actually the boss. The clinician works for you and for your loved one.
You Are the Most Knowledgeable Person on the Team
A clinician brings valuable expertise, but you see your loved one every day. You know what a good day looks like, what triggers a hard one, and what has changed since the last visit. This knowledge makes you an essential member of the care team, not a bystander.
Lead with Confidence and Courtesy
Being in charge doesn’t mean being confrontational. Dr. Nussbaum suggests stepping into this role in a civil, friendly way while still steering the conversation. Before the appointment, take a few minutes to remind yourself:
- Your role is active, not passive. You are steering the boat.
- You are responsible for conveying what is working and what isn’t.
- You can ask questions, request clarification, and expect a clear plan.
This mental shift may feel unfamiliar at first. This is understandable. Few of us are ever taught to see ourselves this way. Practicing this mindset is the foundation for the next three tips.
Tip 2: Get Prepared for Both People in the Room
Preparation makes all the difference. Instead of treating a visit as simply “Thursday at 2 p.m.,” ask yourself:
- What is the purpose of this appointment?
- What do we need to leave with?
Identify What’s Working and What’s Not for Your Loved One
We’re often quick to name problems, but it’s just as important to recognize what’s going well. Write down notes in these areas:
- What’s working: Activities, routines, or environments that bring calm or a good day. Dr. Nussbaum notes these don’t have to be grand. A walk, music, or time at a place of worship may make a noticeable difference.
- What’s not working: Medication concerns, new or worsening behaviors, or situations that seem to cause agitation.
- Triggers: What tends to spark distress, and what tends to bring peace.
Identify What’s Working and What’s Not for You
We often say that as a caregiver, you are caring for two people: the person living with dementia and yourself. Dr. Nussbaum agrees this belongs in the appointment, too. Caregivers often forget to care for themselves, and over time, this can wear down our health and our ability to provide the best care.
Dr. Nussbaum says he won’t let caregivers get away with simply saying “I’m fine.” Before the visit, reflect honestly on:
- Your sleep, appetite, and energy.
- Feelings you may be carrying, such as guilt, anger, or exhaustion.
- What you need to have a good day. It might be 20 minutes of quiet time, a walk around the block, a yoga class, or even an ice cream cone.
Tip 3: Communicate Before and During the Appointment
Use the Patient Portal to Lay the Groundwork
Communication can start before you arrive. Many practices offer a secure online patient portal, along with phone and email, so you can share context with the clinician in advance. This is especially helpful for topics that are difficult to raise in front of your loved one.
In Sue’s experience, there were multiple times when she shared an issue with the doctor’s office ahead of time that she didn’t feel comfortable raising herself. In each case, the doctor found a way to bring it up, and the conversation went much more smoothly than it would have otherwise.
Speak with Your Loved One, Not About Them
Dr. Nussbaum stresses that your loved one should never be discussed in the third person while they’re in the room. Even if someone suggests your loved one isn’t processing what’s happening, he believes they are, at least on an emotional level. Include them directly and treat them with respect and dignity throughout the visit.
Don’t Avoid the Hard Topics
Some of the most important conversations are also the most uncomfortable. Dr. Nussbaum highlights one of them that comes up often:
- Driving: Losing the ability to drive is a major loss of independence, and resistance or anger is a natural reaction. Dr. Nussbaum recommends keeping the conversation centered on one thing: safety. Safety for your loved one and safety for others on the road. When safety is the focus, the decision often becomes clearer.
Don’t Leave Without a Concrete Action Plan
The most important outcome of any appointment is a clear action plan everyone agrees on. Before you walk out the door:
- Confirm the specific next steps you’ll follow at home.
- Ask for clarification on anything that isn’t clear. It’s perfectly appropriate to say, “I don’t understand this,” or “Are we all in agreement?”
You’re the boss, so expect this plan. Leaving as a team with shared next steps sets up both you and your loved one for success.
Tip 4: Follow Up Between Appointments
Keep a Scorecard at Home
Once you’re home, start tracking how the action plan is working. Write down what’s helping, what isn’t, and any new triggers that weren’t discussed at the visit. A simple journal or notebook works well. These records help you see patterns and prepare for your next appointment.
Share Good News, Not Just Problems
Clinicians usually hear from families only when something goes wrong. Dr. Nussbaum encourages caregivers to also let the clinician know when things are going well, such as when a new medication seems to be helping. Good news keeps your clinician engaged and helps them understand what’s working.
If something isn’t working, you can reach out before the next scheduled visit. For example: “This isn’t working so well. We may need to make an adjustment. What do you think?”
Keep Track of Yourself, Too
Your follow-up should include your own well-being. Let the clinician know if a suggestion has helped you, or if something has shifted, such as losing sleep since changes were made. No one else is going to track this for you, so make it part of your routine.
Taking Action: Four Steps for Your Next Doctor’s Visit
Doctor’s appointments can feel intimidating, but they don’t have to. When you see yourself as an active partner, prepare for both your loved one and yourself, communicate openly, and follow up consistently, each appointment becomes a true partnership between you, your loved one, and the clinician.
You are not alone in this. According to the Alzheimer’s Association’s 2026 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts and Figures report, nearly 13 million Americans provide unpaid care for a family member or friend with dementia (alz.org/facts). Dr. Nussbaum reminds caregivers that even when you don’t think you are doing a great job, you are. He encourages each of us to lead with love and follow with kindness.
Before your next appointment, take these steps:
- Check your state of mind. Remind yourself that you are the most knowledgeable person on the care team and that your role is to steer.
- Get prepared. Write down what’s working and what’s not working for your loved one and for you.
- Communicate at the appointment. Use the patient portal for sensitive topics in advance, speak directly with your loved one, address hard topics like driving, and don’t leave without a concrete action plan.
- Follow up. Keep a record at home, share both concerns and good news with the clinician, and track your own well-being, too.
To find more information from Dr. Paul Nussbaum, go to his website: Brain Health Center. Click HERE to subscribe to his Brain Health Moments on Youtube.
Have you found ways to make doctor’s visits more productive for you and your loved one? Share your tips in the comments below or on our Facebook or Instagram pages.
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